Steven Smith awakens in the basement of the Ministry of Love, groggy and dazed, scared and feeble.
He is not in a jail cell anymore. This is the place where nightmares live, where fears stew and marinate, for there is no place for these in the beautiful game.
From phone-filming and swan diving to ugly rugby sponsors, these are the trivial issues that leave us seething in stadiums or on our sofas every week…
This is rugby’s Room 101.
1. FOOTBALL-ESQUE BEHAVIOUR
Whether it be idiotic Coaches or even dumber players, there is no place in rugby for the kind of behaviour.
2. SWAN DIVES
They’re just completely unnecessary.
3. INDECIPHERABLE SHIRT SPONSORS
Whatever happened to good old-fashioned sponsors like John Smith’s and NEXT?
4. SCRUM RESETS
How have we got to the point where it seems we need 3 attempts at every scrum before the front rowers seem capable of holding themselves up. It’s not just that though, it’s the 30 seconds between each reset cleaning boots and complaining that means we lose vast quantities of game time watching this farce.
5. PEOPLE FILMING GAMES THEY’RE AT
Hundreds holding up phones in the vain hope they get a crap recording of a try to ‘share’ later.