Steven Smith awakens in the basement of the Ministry of Love, groggy and dazed, scared and feeble.
He is not in a jail cell anymore. This is the place where nightmares live, where fears stew and marinate, for there is no place for these in the beautiful game.
From phone-filming and swan diving to ugly rugby sponsors, these are the trivial issues that leave us seething in stadiums or on our sofas every week...
This is rugby's Room 101.
1. FOOTBALL-ESQUE BEHAVIOUR
Whether it be idiotic Coaches or even dumber players, there is no place in rugby for the kind of behaviour.
2. SWAN DIVES
They’re just completely unnecessary.
3. INDECIPHERABLE SHIRT SPONSORS
Whatever happened to good old-fashioned sponsors like John Smith's and NEXT?
4. SCRUM RESETS
How have we got to the point where it seems we need 3 attempts at every scrum before the front rowers seem capable of holding themselves up. It’s not just that though, it’s the 30 seconds between each reset cleaning boots and complaining that means we lose vast quantities of game time watching this farce.
5. PEOPLE FILMING GAMES THEY'RE AT
Hundreds holding up phones in the vain hope they get a crap recording of a try to ‘share’ later. Why, it’s almost as if everyone knowing you were at the game is more important to you than actually being there.
6. THIS RUGBY ADVERT
This is the worst.
7. BRIGHT BOOTS
Just why?! These things are £108.
8. STEPHEN JONES
Stephen Jones is synonymous on our shores because of his weekly column for the Sunday Times and over the years he has not been shy in his criticism of Ronan O'Gara and Irish rugby but his Lions starting XV that should have played the first test last summer is highly entertaining,
9. PEOPLE GETTING DRINKS MID-GAME
I am not a monster trying to impose prohibition on match days. Alcohol has a long, glorious association with rugby. But at times, that relationship seems to have tilted too far away from the sport itself. Whenever I attend internationals (not club matches), whole rows seem to be constantly going up and down with people either heading to the bar or unable to hold their bladder.
10. AWAY KITS BEING WORN AT HOME1
There is nothing worse to see than England playing in their away shirt at Twickenham. It just shouldn't happen!
11. Israel Folau
The Australia and Waratahs full-back avoided punishment for saying homosexuals should go to “hell”unless they “repent their sins and turn to God”. This sort of backwards thinking doesn’t belong in rugby!
12. SCRAP ANTHEM SINGERS
They’re good, fantastic in fact. However, whenever just fans and players sing an anthem on their own it feels a lot more epic. Listen to this example of Wales singing their anthem as evidence enough…
13. LINESMEN'S LACKADAISICAL APPROACH TO KICKS TO TOUCH
It never fails to amaze me how often linesmen fail to mark the correct spot when the ball goes into touch. Their nonchalant efforts to keep up with a kicked ball seem to be ended when they can no longer be arsed running.
14. THE CROOKED FEEDS
No words. This just makes us sad.
15. PRICE OF RUGBY SHIRTS
In what other world would you pay £64.95 for an eyesore T-shirt featuring a giant sponsor’s logo, that’s somewhere below ‘hair shirt’ on the comfort scale and becomes obsolete after 12 months? They should be paying us to wear this stuff.
16. TICKET RESALE SITES
No I rather not spend £2000 to go watch England. These should be taken down!
17. BITING
It seems to be more common than ever. Very strange but needs to go away.
18. POST-MATCH INTERVIEWS WITH PLAYERS
These used to be dull because players were knackered, untalkative and not particularly illuminating. Now they’re almost always dull because players are untalkative, not particularly illuminating and have been media-trained to say nothing. Apart from Greig Laidlaw, let him talk whenever he wants.
19. YOAN HUGET
– Stamping on players heads
– Gouging another player
-Faking injuries
– Generally being an absolute shithouse
20. Feigning injury
21. BOOING
Whilst the majority of fans seem capable of keeping their mouths shut and not imitating a drunken farm animal, an increasing number of fans seem to feel the need to make some kind of guttural caveman-like noise every time an opposition kicker takes a kick. Once again – THIS IS NOT FOOTBALL!
22. NOSTALGIA MERCHANTS
Yeah, rugby was loads better when carthorses could smash into the head of skilful players – and also that chain-smoking playmaker from your youth is far superior to modern, super-athletes. That’s definitely how all sport works.
23. STUART BARNES
Why must Sky continue to persist with this bumbling idiot? Our poor ears.
24. REFEREE INCONSISTENCIES
We’re looking at you referees, as much as we understand how tough your job is.
However, there should be a standard rule for;
- How long an advantage should run for
- What constitutes a scrum infringement
- At what angle does a player have to enter a ruck to be considered offside
- What is worthy of a yellow/red card
25. LAZY PUNDITRY
“He’s finished it really well.” Thanks, mate, we can see that. Tell us what we don’t know.null
