“Ban the f***ing caterpillar ruck” – Joe Marler’s BRILLIANT ‘five-point plan’ to save rugby

bySteven Smith

name but replacing the Native American imagery with a crest. The satire became reality, and the club moved forward with a new identity.

Back in , England prop decided rugby needed a shake-up. Frustrated with the sport’s rules, image, and governance, he laid out a five-point

manifesto for change — tongue-in-cheek but rooted in truth.

And naturally, if he ever took over the game, Rassie Erasmus would be his right-hand man.

Here’s a look back at Marler’s brilliant “plan for power,” with updates on how some of his ideas have aged.

#1. KILL THE CATERPILLAR ?

Marler’s first decree? End the dreaded caterpillar ruck. It’s become one of rugby’s most frustrating sights — slow, clunky, and a killer of open play.

Marler said:

“The first thing I’d do is ban the fing caterpillar ruck. It kills me. The whole thing is an a. I’d even go as far as banning box kicks — but then I’d sound like Clive Woodward.

I want to see referees actually sanction scrum-halves who ignore the ‘Use it’ call. And while I’m at it, that maul rule where the defence gets the ball back for holding you up? Scrap it.”

Verdict:
It’s hard to argue with Joe on this one. The tactic has sucked the life out of too many games. While World Rugby hasn’t banned it yet, pressure from fans and players alike keeps mounting.

#2. MORE BEHIND THE SCENES ?

Marler also wanted rugby to loosen up and show some personality. While sports like Formula 1 and tennis have gone global thanks to docuseries storytelling, rugby has often kept its doors firmly shut.

Marler said:

“Rugby is missing some razzmatazz. We need a Drive to Survive-style show like Formula One. I honestly thought that’s what CVC were going to bring in.

Can you imagine a raw, behind-the-scenes documentary of Eddie Jones? The man’s an anarchist — he just does what he wants.”

Verdict:
Marler was ahead of the curve. Netflix’s Six Nations: Full Contact, released in 2024, finally gave fans that peek behind the curtain — though it still felt a touch too polished. Rugby needs more of the chaos and character that Marler was calling for.

#3. INCONSISTENT DISCIPLINE ⚖️

Another of Marler’s gripes was rugby’s notoriously uneven disciplinary process. Too often, similar incidents have led to wildly different bans, leaving players and fans scratching their heads.

Marler said:

“The disciplinary system is completely baffling. It’s bonkers and could do with being a bit more consistent.

Tomas Lavanini — most carded player in history — had his ban reduced for ‘good behaviour’ at a hearing. So what, you just need to wear a nice suit and smile now?”

Verdict:
Three years on, Marler’s frustration still rings true. The sport has tightened up some review procedures, but the perception of inconsistency remains — especially with the TMO era magnifying every incident.

#4. CHIEFS TO CHEFS ?

In classic Marler fashion, he couldn’t resist a bit of satire. At the time, Exeter Chiefs were under fire for using Native American imagery. Marler’s solution? A full rebrand — with a culinary twist.

Marler said:

“I’d like to see Exeter change their branding from Chiefs to Chefs. The Exeter Chefs — a small but significant tweak. It’d be more culturally appropriate than constantly p***ing off Native Americans.

Imagine the new logo — skull, knife and fork underneath. Merch sales through the roof. Even a cooking range!”

Verdict:
Turns out Joe’s joke aged surprisingly well. In 2022, Exeter did rebrand — keeping the Chiefs

#5. TALKING ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH ?

The final — and most heartfelt — part of Marler’s manifesto tackled rugby’s attitude toward mental health and inclusion. It’s an area he’s spoken about openly throughout his career.

Marler said:

“The suicide rate among men shows more has to be done — across society, not just rugby.

I’m not surprised there aren’t openly gay players. They’re 100% out there, but the environment hasn’t always been welcoming. It’s not a story about sexuality — it’s about being able to say, ‘This is me, this is who I am.’”

Verdict:
Still powerful and painfully relevant. Rugby has improved its conversation around mental health, but Marler’s honesty remains a benchmark. His willingness to speak out — often through humour — continues to help break the stigma.

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