"Severe Napoleon complex" - Every rugby position explained hilariously

For a winger to get the ball, almost every single other member of the team needs to have done something right and they all need to have done it consecutively. This happens almost as rarely as winning the lottery, so poor wingers need to wrap up their delicate frame in layers of Lycra, goose fat and fleece and hope that the referee’s final whistle blows before their fingers and toes snap off. Their bright boots remind us they're there sometimes.

Usually come in two varieties - hard charger or flitting fairy. The hard charger is the one to acquire as he will announce his presence in a game with the authority rarely found above #8. The flitting fairy is regrettably more common and will usually attempt to avoid contact at all costs. The flitting fairy is also only one good smack away from bursting into tears and leaving the pitch to cry on the shoulder of his inevitable girlfriend. Both types will have extensive collections of hair care products in their kit bags and will be among the best dressed at the post-game festivities.

If you have highlights in your hair and practice your disco moves, you're a #10. Primary role is the leader of the backs - a dubious honour at best. Main responsibilities as far as I can tell is ability to throw the ball over people's heads and to provide something soft for opposing back rowers to land on. While some may argue that these players must be protected, I find it hard to support anyone whose foot touches a rugby ball on purpose.

Backs start at number nine with a strange hybrid called the scrum-half. This is a tiny chap with a big voice and some serious issues. Ideally here you are looking for someone with a severe Napoleon complex so that he can bark orders at the forwards without fear. He is like those small yappy dogs that seem to think they are huge Alsatians.

Without a doubt the manliest men on the pitch. Large, often hairy, beer-swilling carnivores that can and will smash anything in their path. Accused by some of simply being dumb, I prefer to think of this group as "open to unconventional ways of thinking".

Too short for the rest of the front, too fat for the back, too slow for a winger and too short a temper for any of them.

This group of large, often foul-smelling brutes is also more than willing to relish the finer points of stomping on a fallen opponent's body and will gleefully recount the tale ad infinitum. While they tend to take the tag "Powerhouse of the Scrum" a little too seriously, they can be useful if inured with the proper hatred of their fellow man. While members of this proud fraternity like to think of themselves as "open to unconventional ways of thinking" - they are usually just dumb.

The name given to players numbered 6-8. These individuals are well known to be gentlemen off the pitch, but as soon as they step onto the pitch they become animals, tackling anyone who comes near them, and often starting fights. By far the biggest drinkers - especially Guinness.