1. Your injuries are f*cking disgusting.
Like seriously rank. Please stop showing them to us.
2. We don’t drink the drinks you buy us, we take the cash instead.
3. Making small talk is really easy if you’ve seen off a few pints (and a yard), but is weirdly hard when you are sober.
4. It takes us about 30 minutes post match to realise that banter has no boundaries.
5. And the stench of protein/beer farts becomes completely normal.
6. When it comes to drinking games, we really wish you’d clean up after yourselves.
7. But we really enjoy texting our friends your ‘Never Have I Ever’ answers.
8. There is no job on earth as disgusting as rinsing out the sick bins.
Especially when you’ve been drinking Blue WKD.,
9. Even when we get home all we can smell is stale beer, protein farts and cigarette butts.
10. We hate listening to your rugby songs.
11. And we are pretty sure we are never going to get ‘Sweet Chariot’ out of our head.
12. We suffer from extreme physio envy.
13. We love plastics cups.
Plastic cups don’t break. Plastic cups don’t need washing.
14. And the bigger the cup is, the more we actually enjoy it.
It means you come back to the bar less.
15. We own more black clothes than we care to admit.
16. And by the end of the night, we couldn’t be more excited to call last orders.
We’ve had a laugh, and a bit of a perve, but we are knackered. Night.